Dear Whoever

Dear Whoever


Dear Mr. Magic Wand Guy…

Wait. Maybe that’s not right. Perhaps it’s Magic Wand Gal or Imp or Muse. One can never know.

Dear Magic Wand Company…

Well. Maybe that’s not what they’re calling themselves these days. Did ACME buy them out? Did their American-based business get shipped overseas? Is someone drop-shipping for them on Amazon? One can never know.



Dear Whoever,

I’m writing regarding an order placed approximately four decades ago. I wrote this request in colored pencil (green, I think) by my own big-girl self. This, I’m sure, was witnessed by at least one of my parents, possibly both of them. The request was also passed off to one Santa Claus and perhaps the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy—whichever of your colleagues was on duty back then.

The item was on page 54 of your Fall catalog. I remember that quite clearly (don’t ask my why, some things just get stuck in the memory files).

And the item number was MWTW-400. Standard black body. Standard white tip.

You know.

The Magic Wand That Works. I was a rather courteous child, so I know I did not add the upgrade of White Rabbit-500 (we already had rabbits that would do just fine, Thumper and Coco). Nor did I request the Black Hat-783 model (only boy magicians wore black hats in my days. I was going to wear a silken scarf with bright yellow tulips that belonged to my grandma—start a new trend).

I also knew better than to ask for something as hard to handle as Unicorn Eggs (we lived in the wrong planting zone for those, the entire wrong continent, actually) or Pot-O-Gold complete with three bonus wishes from your in-house Leprechaun.

It seems that you carried a Big Stick Box-Of-The-Month Club subscription that I may be interested in. Though I would’ve had no use as a young girl for such big sticks, I do vaguely remember the description saying something like, if on rare occasion your Magic Wand That Works fails to do as advertised, a Big Stick swung with just the right force and with just the right aim could also solve a vast array of conundrums where other methods fail.

Shy child that I was, I also avoided the more ostentatious MWTW-9000 in shimmering lilac with rose gold tip, though my Little Miss Muse now believes that would’ve been the way to go.

Perhaps an ostentatious order such as that would have been, what? Lost in the mail? Stolen by porch pirates? Fallen victim to magical money laundering schemes? Suffered supply chain issues?

Does your company, Dear Ma’am (or dear Whoever) carry insurance for lost packages?

See. I spoke with my mother just the other day about this item. She remembers placing the order, even though she had no idea what I could possibly want with a Magic Wand That Works. I also believed neither of my parents truly understood the magic of unicorns or the possibility of fairies, but I digress. I hold no such grudges against the supernatural or unknown.

So, I hope this wasn’t a cultural misunderstanding between realms of logic and whims of fancy.

And now… now?

Now, you see, dear Sir or Ma’am (or Miss or Muse or Imp or Elf or Whoever), the world has gone bat butt crazy, and a MWTW-400 would come in quite useful.

I wouldn’t even be selfish. I’d share it with anyone who might need a Magic Wand That Works, provided they do good with it. Whatever their version of good is.

As a matter of fact, I do believe that I would like you to fill my original request for the MWTW-400 and add to that the MWTW-9000 in shimmering lilac with rose gold tip.

I also believe, Dear Sir, or Dear Whoever, that because my order has been delayed by so many moons, your company should upgrade me without extra charges.

And toss in free shipping.

And a tracking number. Insurance for the full amount.

And I’m saving this request on my hard drive, to the Cloud, and printing it in triplicate should litigation ensue.

P.S. Just go ahead and sign me up for the Big Stick Box-Of-The-Month Club. I know I’ll owe extra for that one, but a few of those within arm’s reach isn’t a bad idea… I’m tired of speaking softly, anyway.

What the heck. Throw in a Unicorn Egg. Species #321, please, with the lavender mane and see-through horn. I know someone in France who can plant it for me.

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