Premeditated Patience

Premeditated Patience

The things on my list of things I’m running low on are the only things I’m not running low on.

Does that make sense? I may have just confused myself — not hard at all, these days.

Items I’m in short supply of at the moment:

  • Months in the year
  • Days in the week
  • Minutes in an hour
  • Decision-making power (I have hit a wall. Right, left, middle? I don’t know. Where are the Reese’s cups?)
  • Filters (the kinds for your mouth and your facial expressions that protect those around you from what you really think)
  • Eyebrow girdles (much like a filter, but it’s the mental strap you place around your forehead to keep your eyebrows from lifting all the way to your hairline when you don’t believe what you’re being told)
  • Neck braces (to prevent Bobble Head Syndrome, again, stopping odd tilting of one’s head and general bobbing when you don’t believe what you’re being told)
  • Sleep (middle insomnia is still raging its head)
  • Energy (may have something to do with that sleep thing)
  • Rows (I have gobs of ducks; I’m down to not enough rows to put the little quackers in)
  • Notebooks (Little Miss begs to differ, having just tripped over a pile of them in the corner of the office. I beg her to check her “low” stock of lavender glitter. She’s quiet now. Touché.)
  • Patience (the variety that is needed on the spur of the moment to deal with impromptu drama)
  • Reese’s cups (of the white and milk chocolate varieties)
  • Grape bubblegum (I succumbed to the Muse’s favorite always-low treat. I think grape bubblegum is nasty, but it keeps her happy. One must always keep the Muse happy.)
  • Magic Wands That Work! 

But perhaps the thing I’m in desperate need of the most is Premeditated Patience. That variety of longsuffering one must muster up when attending an event/outing/appointment and one would “rather not,” or “can’t even," but alas, one must persevere. Muster up a smile or at least a concerned face. Nod appropriately so as not to break one’s neck brace. Only extend the eyebrows as far as the girdle will allow — no further.

Premeditated patience requires the following:

  • Lay out the outfit the night before to ease the burden of decision-making the day of.
  • Pre-fluff the fuzzy unicorn blanket before leaving the house to ensure it’s ready to receive a weary soul into its warmth upon return.
  • Discuss with the felines that one of them must be The Cat of the Day and join the weary soul in the fuzzy unicorn blanket upon the master’s return.
  • Position the Reese Cup, fresh notebook, and a fine-tipped pen near the Post-Event Location (be that the sofa, the recliner, or the bed).
  • Discuss with Little Miss Muse the necessity of quiet and calm. No new story ideas will be accepted for a period of four hours after any event requiring premeditated patience. Muses are not to wear their clip-clopping violet stilettos during this time, nor are they to pop grape-scented bubbles in their master’s face. (Little Miss is furious, now. She says I’m not her master. I say she’s my creation. She says I’m her charge. We’ll have to come up with a more acceptable term for our relationship—which will also require premeditated patience).*


*This is as far as I got in writing this blog before a family emergency whisked me away for nearly a week. I was already running low on certain mental capacities, then boom!

In and out of the emergency room. In and out of hospital rooms. In and out of the car so many times to take care of business, I can’t even count. (I lost the car twice on Wednesday. Never parking in the same spot and lack of sleep/energy… I hope I gave a good show to anyone who saw me meandering with my remote raised above my head, pushing the lock button, hoping to catch the honk of my weary SUV in the lot.)

My thoughts drifted back several times to how patience regenerates. Mine regenerates oh, so slowly, and if I’ve spent patience with a patient or a doctor or medical facility, I’ve no patience for anything else. A “hit the wall” kind of mental block. Thankfully, the end-all crisis of last Monday/Tuesday has softened down to a dull concerned roar for the moment. But wow.

My head is spinning, and now I really do need that neck brace.

Here’s hoping your week doesn’t deplete your stock of filters or eyebrow girdles…

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